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By Josie Whitehead
THE PARENTING CLASS
By Josie Whitehead
Well good morning everybody. It’s so good to see you here.
Now I hope that fears of parenting will quickly disappear.
It’s quite a simple subject, so you mustn’t worry now
And my main aim, quite naturally, is just to teach you how.
Now right from the beginning you must let them know who’s boss.
They soon will get the message – you make sure it gets across!
If you listen to their grumbling, you’re courting trouble there -
But do all this with love, of course, and show them that you care.
Don’t excuse their rudeness. You pretend you didn’t hear.
There's nothing worse to children than a parent with deaf ears.
With my parenting instructions you'll be better than the rest,
With contented kids, a happy home, and a life devoid of stress.
First, keep your children healthy: give them lots of good fresh fruit
And make them walk to school each day and take the longest route.
You should switch off electricity at eight o’clock each night.
'An early night will do us good. Tomorrow we'll feel bright.'
Instead of children’s programmes let them only hear the news.
If they find it quite disturbing, they could learn to change a fuse.
Then teach them other useful skills – to paint and decorate.
There are more important things to learn than learning how to skate.
Keep them short of money. They should earn what they are given.
Perhaps at first they’ll hate you but I’m sure you’ll be forgiven.
They’ll learn you’re not a cash machine to meet their every whim,
With a bank account so full of cash it’s flowing to the brim.
Don’t try to understand them and ‘reasoning’ is out.
Enforcing your authority is what parenting’s about.
Understanding YOU is crucial! Well I hope this point is clear.
Perhaps you were not sure of this and that is why you’re here.
I was booked to take a five week course but think that I am through
For from my own experience I’d say there’s nothing new.
See, parenting’s an ancient art, well-practised through the years.
Now it’s time for you to practise it with nothing much to fear.
Copyright on all my poems